The S Series

I love everything about guns. The way they push back against you when you fire them, especially if it’s some kind of automatic where the jolting and jumping is constant so your whole body is vibrating in line with the gun—like the two of you together are one machine. I don’t have to use the scope because the gun is a part of me. I just have to look and BANG! If looks could kill you’d be riddled with bullets. And with my legs steadily wobbling up to my gut that is pushing in and out, like a throbbing heart pushing the bullets up to my arms and out through the tip of the gun, what’s not to love?
Guns are an efficient machine, they get the point across better than you could even try to say it with words. Like the way I would tell those Homeowner Association mother fuckers. They tried to tell me I couldn’t cut down the tree in my yard. I don’t want no fuckin tree in my yard.
Johnny says I can do whatever I want with my property, it’s my property. Johnny is good with words. He’s good with words like I am with bullets. He knows just how to point them at the target and hit it with maximum efficiency. Sometimes I wish I could take Johnny with me to their secret meetings so I could have him tell them everything. Like how the tree makes it too cold in my house cause it blocks the sun. And how the dogs always stop to piss on the tree. They piss on my property. With their little tiny fuckin peckers they aim their liquid ammunition and assault my property like they’re taking over. That’s what them dogs are doing anyway. When they pee I mean. They’re just marking their territory. And this is my territory. It’s my property, I can do what I want with it and I don’t want no fuckin dogs taking it over!
I know everything about guns, too. Johnny and I used to go out to the shooting range every Saturday. He had this big ol U-Haul and we would load it up good with all kinds of pieces. Pocket rockets, straps, semis, autos, tommies, cannons, streetsweepers, six-guns, heaters, everything. But nothing was like the Avtomat Kalashnikova. The AK-mother-fuckin-47. The best thing the Russians ever gave us. Well, the only good thing the Russians ever gave us.
Fuck the Russians.
Johnny says the Russians are fuckin idiots cause they don’t know how to speak. Like, vowels are important, Johnny says. Get a fuckin grip, he says. But the AK, man. That’s some real shit. But he had one of the originals, the S series with the folding shoulder stock. That was great. Still is great. When we go out to the range I mean. Johnny didn’t do much shooting. He kind of just sat back and watched, there was always someone else in the stall next to me on both sides, but I used to talk to him like he was there next to me without turning my head. I just kind of talked and he would hear me from where he was sitting behind me. He just watched and told me what I was doing wrong. I’m always doing something wrong.
I’m holding it too loose.
I’m cutting down trees. But it’s my fuckin tree, Johnny says.
Hold your head up, he says.
Don’t bend over like that, Rich, he says.
And don’t bend your knees, he says.
You gotta shoot from where you are, he says, and you can’t do that if your knees are bent and you’re wobbling all over the place like a goddamn tree that’s getting pissed on by a dog. Be sturdy, be strong. Now take ‘em down, he says.
He says it just like it is. He says it and I do it, like his words are actually just mine. He thinks it and I do it. I fire the gun. He uses his words and they come out as bullets. And my body is shaking, it’s all coming out of me so easy. Like I didn’t even have to do anything. Like I just think it and the moving target on the other end starts getting holes in it. I’m punching holes in it with my sharp fuckin bullets out of my sharp fuckin S series Russian killer.
So I’m taking Johnny to see these home owner ass holes. I could walk in there and say things that they won’t understand cause it won’t come out right.
Cause like, there’s no instructions for getting your head in the right position to fire words at them. Like, I can’t hold my brain straight and shoot the words at them from my sturdy, strong position.
But Johnny just knows it. He knows what I’m thinking anyway. I’d come in there and I’d be all,
I don’t want the tree cause I’m cold and the dogs are taking it. And they’d all look at me like I was some kind of insane person. But Johnny could go in there and be all eloquent and shit. And say stuff like,
“I understand your position, but my good friend here is in a predicament and needs your help.” He’d put his hand on my shoulder and I’d nod all friendly and stuff. But I’d keep my mouth shut, just like Johnny said before we came in. Let me do the talkin, he said. Keep your pistol to yourself, he said.
“You see, my friend doesn’t enjoy it when the dogs use his yard as a place to discard his waste. And you, the thoughtful members of the homeowners association ought to be more careful then to let their dogs pee on someone else’s yard. So unless you are going to clean up your act, my good friend here is going to cut down his tree,” Johnny says.
And the fifty people there are sitting there turned around in their seats cause we came in from the back and didn’t wait for our turn to talk. We just jumped right into it. That’s how you win a fight, Johnny says. Never fight fair with a stranger, he says. And they’ve got confused looks on their face, like why we’re speaking out of turn and shit.
And I’m sitting there fiddling with the rocket in my pocket. The little doozy. It’s a nice six-gun. But I let Johnny do the shooting. The shooting with words. Throw it at ‘em Johnny.
“Why don’t you just put a fence around your yard Mr. Glassel,” they say. They ignore Johnny. Like he isn’t even fucking there. Tell ‘em Johnny. Like you said.
It’s my property and I can do what I want with it.
Strap on the folding shoulder stock. I know you got it in you. Give ‘em what you got worked up in your head. Come on Johnny.
But Johnny’s just standing there.
Shoot ‘em Johnny. Why aren’t you telling them.
Tell ‘em Johnny.
Johnny they’re gonna take my fuckin tree.
The dogs.
The dogs are gonna take my fuckin tree. And then it’s the yard.
And then it’s the house.
And then it’s the guns.
And then it’s me.
I’ll shoot the dogs.
I’ll shoot the dogs before they can take the tree.
You take care of the words and I’ll take care of the dogs.
But Johnny doesn’t move.
I didn’t think they invited the fuckin dogs to these fuckin meetings, but I guess they were there all along. Sitting on these bastards’ laps or something, storing up their piss. But now they’re here and they’re running at me. It’s self defense, Johnny.
I gotta shoot the dogs, Johnny. Why didn’t we bring the U-haul?
And I’m looking at the other people. And I’m thinking. And Johnny’s thinking now. He’s not saying anything. He’s just thinking. And I’m thinking. And I’m looking at them. And I’m thinking if looks could kill you’d be filled with bullets.