How to Look Smart in Class

Before you walk into the classroom, pick up a newspaper. Not just any newspaper, and especially not the New York Times. When you walk into class with a copy of the New York Times under your arm you immediately go from looking like a well-rounded individual to a douchebag. It becomes painfully obvious that you are trying too hard. And you don’t even just look like a douchebag now, you sound pretentious too. When you’re sitting in your public relations lecture filled with 200 people and you say, “I think the Tea Party people have a really good point,” it comes out as, “Anyone who is not on my side is an idiot.”

You get to class early because you don’t want to give the wrong impression. Walking in even two minutes late with your chin glued to your chest staring at your cell phone is not going to convince your professor that you are interested in anything other than tweeting and playing solitaire. But doing crosswords are ok. That’s why you get to class early, so you can start the crossword in the newspaper. If it’s too hard, don’t freak out. Just fill in the boxes with whatever words you like, nobody’s going to check.

I know you think you can do the crossword without anyone noticing, but when you get to a four-letter word for intercourse you’re going to laugh to yourself and everyone will realize you’re not paying attention. And then when you see what you’ve done you’ll switch to thinking too hard: your mouth starts to hang open and you have a dazed look on your face that is going to do nothing but make your professor think you’re confused. You might even drool a little bit, at which point you might as well give up.

Now that you’re sitting in your seat with your local newspaper neatly folded open to the crossword page you are ready to shut up. Seriously. Don’t say a word the entire time. It’s better to let people assume you’re an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

You’re not going to say anything, but your professor, with his tweed jacket and green slacks, wants people to participate. He doesn’t just want to lecture at people, especially if it’s a small class. This is a sign of a good teacher, despite his inability to dress. But you still need to shut up. Don’t worry about awkward silences; some girl will reveal her ignorance and fill the room with ignorable sounds right before she realizes she forgot to turn her phone off and “Like a Virgin” starts piercing through her backpack.

But then tweedy (that’s your professor, not twitter) is looking at you and wants an answer. Give it to him. Your opinion is being asked of you, it is ok to speak. But offering it up out of nowhere is only going to get you in trouble. Nobody cares that you had this one tiny experience back in middle school that makes you think Holden Caulfield’s trip to New York is unrealistic. Just because you cried your eyes out when you got separated from the group on a class field trip to Boston—not even a real metropolis—doesn’t mean that you’re right.

In fact, most of the time you are wrong. Doctor Tweed Jacket is going to tell you that there are no wrong answers, but he is lying. Yes, even esteemed gentlemen immersed in academia lie. That’s how you become the president of a university. There are wrong answers, pay attention and you’ll find them all the time. “What do you think Mersault was thinking when he shot the arab?” Saying that he confused him for Osama is definitely the wrong answer.

When the girl next to you leans over and asks for the last thing Professor Camus said, it’s ok to tell her, and not just because she has a pair of bunny ears tattooed just above her belt and her breasts are hanging out of her shirt. Rather, you’ve got a great opportunity to show you’ve been paying attention. Slide your notes onto the side of your desk, making her lean over a bit. That way you get to look down her shirt some more. Also, anyone who notices will see that you are the man with the answers. Not only that, you’re the one with the answers that the girl with the big tits wants. Double points and you didn’t have to say a word.

When it gets time for class to end do not move. Your lecturing liar knows that time is just about up, so jamming your notebook into your back pack and zipping it up as loud as possible is only going to irritate him. Sit still and make eye contact with him. If he catches your eye two things happen. First, he sees that you are paying attention when others aren’t. After all, this isn’t just about looking smart to your classmates. You want a good grade. Second, he sees that you are patient. Showing patience tells him that you aren’t quick to jump to conclusions, meaning you have half a brain. It’s a lot easier to give an A to someone you think is smart, than to someone who participated in class but said things like, “I don’t know, like, it just didn’t rub me the right way.”